K(itchen)-Hole

January 17, 2012 § 1 Comment

It’s just a Goddamn faucet.

I can look at pictures of sinks, bathtubs, faucets, appliances and wood stoves forevah…The problem is it kind of sends me down an existential rabbit hole. I’m betting you can relate. Let’s use kitchen faucets as the focal point of this window into my disturbed psyche. Here we go;

1. Start out all giddy looking at any and everything, “price be damned! I’m getting inspired! Oh how pretty!” Then go into sticker shock and have an allergic reaction to blatant consumerism; “$2,500 for a spout and two knobs that would get me $15 if I sold it for scrap?!?!!? Gosh, people are so ridiculous!” Okay maybe it’s not $2,500. But it might as well be.

2. Start to realize that all the mid-range faucets are probably poor quality, are overly styled in an attempt to copy something else, and have crappy lines. Get annoyed because you can’t afford what is apparently mid-range anyway. Feel like a consumerist rat in a trap.

3. See pictures of well made, fairly good looking faucets from independent design studios. Wish you could afford to pay skilled independent workers what they are worth.

4. Get annoyed that people charge so much for vintage/salvage stuff.

5. Try to convince yourself that you like this faucet because the price is right and it’s deeeeply discounted which means…something.

6. Inevitably see some room that makes you think you should really chill the f-ck out. Think about how being a better person would probably make your kitchen look pretty cool too, you stuff obsessed American.

7. Start to get “creative” – as in “I can just go to the hardware store and make one badass motherf-ckin’ faucet. Watch me! It’ll cost fifty cents and look like the bathroom in a Brooklyn restaurant run by a bearded, plaid-shirted, tastefully tattooed hot guy who makes his own beer and furniture and goat cheese who I’ll try to flirt with only to realize that he’s married to Charlotte Gainsbourg or something and has a house upstate that he built out of old shipping pallets and an adorable 2 year old that he’s totally devoted to and I’m coming off like an NYU freshman talkin’ ’bout how awesome Momofoku ¬†was last night.”

8. Wonder if said Jesus-esque dudes’ “I operate on a different plane of existence” and long-suffering air is total bullshit or due to dealing with silly people like yourself.

9. Remember that you’re not in Greenpoint anymore.

10. Find picture of someone who has done pretty much exactly what you had in mind and feel wholly un-original. Question why you even care.

11. Look at your cat. Awww! Your cat is so cuuuute! Talk sweet nothings at your cat as it innocently stares a hole in your forehead.

12. At this point try to stop the insanity and just get something sensible.

Go back to step 2.

Repeat 394 times.

11. Finally lose mind because you are broke, lame, un-skilled with a soldering iron and devoid of clear unique creative vision.

12. Get over it. Feel better looking at the Kitka cottage

Ahhhhhhhhh.

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